Thanks for calling. If you're reaching out to sell your soul, I'll already know and I'll be there soon. If you're calling to just talk, leave a message and I'll call you back when I can. Which will probably be soon. Talk to you then~
Do you think he'll hate me for it? I know that I have to do it anyway, I'm just trying to brace myself.
You probably have been able to tell by the way I act, but I'm not used to being close to people. It's only been about a year since I started even trying. Having this in my head is just too much for me. And I think it would be better for him to have a pillar who is... better. Overall.
No. Cole won't hate you for it. That's not who he is and he cares too much about you to hate you.
I can tell. And you've told me similar things before.
Better is a matter of perspective. Better at handling the pressure of pillar? Yeah, that would be better for Cole. Better person or better at getting close to people? I mean, there aren't a whole lot of people in this city I could see Cole getting that close with who fit that category. He doesn't fit that category.
It'll probably be someone also with emotional and social grace issues but with a good heart.
[ There's a pause as Macaque tried to absorb this without his stupid feelings kicking up. He's still not settled a year after his heart game. ]
Maybe he should hate me for this. I hate myself for it. It's such a simple thing to do, on paper. meaningful time together. But he doesn't want me hanging around out of obligation, which is fair, and I can't detach myself from the obligation.
Did he tell you that he and I made a deal to try and fix things? It was all I could think of to do. I don't want there to be this... rift. We did agree to see a therapist and try to work some things out, but it hasn't happened yet.
I want him to be okay, that's really all. And I'm not sure how or even if I fit into that equation these days. It seems like everything I do hurts him.
It isn't like hating you would make this easier or better for either of you. Let's just set that down about all this.
Honestly, obligation gets a rough rap as a word. When we care about someone, we want to take care of them. We want to help and heal them and be a source of joy. Isn't that an obligation? To try and be a source of good in the life of someone you care for? That's the moral thing to do, isn't it?
As for therapy, we're all so busy here especially with the crazy randomness that goes on. Doesn't surprise me it's taking time.
Sometimes you get out of sync. It's about figuring out the tempo again. Finding the beat and being ready for it to change too, since it might have.
Oh sure, just set it down like it hasn't been eating at me for months. No problem.
It wasn't my idea that Cole hates me doing things for him out of obligation. Or that I can't separate that from my want to do things for him. I wish I could. I wish I could make him happy, but I just don't. I can't.
I hope you're right, and it's just a matter of righting the fact that we're a little off key. [ He just worries that they're playing entirely different songs at this point. ]
That isn't what I meant. I mean laying down the truth that hating you wouldn't be easier for either of you or better in any way.
I'm not saying it was your fault. I'm saying obligation, over all, gets a bad rap. Something to think about. Cole should too. I'll say that to him next time I see him.
[There is a song for that feeling Macaque is having and it takes a lot of self-control for Max to not let the music play in the background as they talk.]
I hope I am too. And I hope things work out for you both and your relationship.
Just because something would be easier, or better, doesn't mean it won't happen.
[ Macaque sighs. ] Good luck. I've never been able to convince Cole to change his mind about anything. Even when I told him that I can't take his advice sometimes because I have to find my own way, that didn't seem to click. He wants to help, therefore nothing else is relevant enough to get him to readjust, I guess. Except making a deal.
--I get that he's had a rough time of it. I get that I don't know much about Lost or how they work and that I get confused damn fast when he tries to explain it. I get that my efforts have been lacking with Cole, somehow. What I don't get is what I could do to fix any of it between us.
I don't wish he would hate me. Why would I be doing this if I did? I'd just leave him alone.
I understand that he wants to help. What I don't understand is why he can't help me in a way that makes me feel safe. I've tried explaining what I want from him when it comes to me having trouble with things. Him giving me advice, and if I don't follow it or don't want to take it then he's failed, that's not safeguarding me. That pushes me to not tell him things. And the only, the only thing that got him to budge from that was me offering to make a deal.
I also understand that this has changed. I used to just take his advice. But I'm learning a lot of new things when it comes to relationships and I want to do things in my own way. I just... want him to listen. That helps. I've told him that... maybe it didn't sink in? I don't know. But we always land at the same point about how he wants to help and he apparently doesn't want to help in the ways that actually help me.
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chiming
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-03 10:23 pm (UTC)From:It's like resetting a bone. It hurts at first but is healing in the long term.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-03 10:25 pm (UTC)From:You probably have been able to tell by the way I act, but I'm not used to being close to people. It's only been about a year since I started even trying. Having this in my head is just too much for me. And I think it would be better for him to have a pillar who is... better. Overall.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-03 10:30 pm (UTC)From:I can tell. And you've told me similar things before.
Better is a matter of perspective. Better at handling the pressure of pillar? Yeah, that would be better for Cole. Better person or better at getting close to people? I mean, there aren't a whole lot of people in this city I could see Cole getting that close with who fit that category. He doesn't fit that category.
It'll probably be someone also with emotional and social grace issues but with a good heart.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-03 10:35 pm (UTC)From:Maybe he should hate me for this. I hate myself for it. It's such a simple thing to do, on paper. meaningful time together. But he doesn't want me hanging around out of obligation, which is fair, and I can't detach myself from the obligation.
Did he tell you that he and I made a deal to try and fix things? It was all I could think of to do. I don't want there to be this... rift. We did agree to see a therapist and try to work some things out, but it hasn't happened yet.
I want him to be okay, that's really all. And I'm not sure how or even if I fit into that equation these days. It seems like everything I do hurts him.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-11 04:28 pm (UTC)From:Honestly, obligation gets a rough rap as a word. When we care about someone, we want to take care of them. We want to help and heal them and be a source of joy. Isn't that an obligation? To try and be a source of good in the life of someone you care for? That's the moral thing to do, isn't it?
As for therapy, we're all so busy here especially with the crazy randomness that goes on. Doesn't surprise me it's taking time.
Sometimes you get out of sync. It's about figuring out the tempo again. Finding the beat and being ready for it to change too, since it might have.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-11 04:39 pm (UTC)From:It wasn't my idea that Cole hates me doing things for him out of obligation. Or that I can't separate that from my want to do things for him. I wish I could. I wish I could make him happy, but I just don't. I can't.
I hope you're right, and it's just a matter of righting the fact that we're a little off key. [ He just worries that they're playing entirely different songs at this point. ]
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-11 04:52 pm (UTC)From:I'm not saying it was your fault. I'm saying obligation, over all, gets a bad rap. Something to think about. Cole should too. I'll say that to him next time I see him.
[There is a song for that feeling Macaque is having and it takes a lot of self-control for Max to not let the music play in the background as they talk.]
I hope I am too. And I hope things work out for you both and your relationship.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-11 05:45 pm (UTC)From:[ Macaque sighs. ] Good luck. I've never been able to convince Cole to change his mind about anything. Even when I told him that I can't take his advice sometimes because I have to find my own way, that didn't seem to click. He wants to help, therefore nothing else is relevant enough to get him to readjust, I guess. Except making a deal.
--I get that he's had a rough time of it. I get that I don't know much about Lost or how they work and that I get confused damn fast when he tries to explain it. I get that my efforts have been lacking with Cole, somehow. What I don't get is what I could do to fix any of it between us.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-11 05:57 pm (UTC)From:Cole is a nurturer. He wants to be a protector. He wants to be the one to help someone, to safeguard them, to help them feel safe.
Framing things in that way can help you re-establish a good tempo.
Re: Voice
Date: 2025-06-11 06:03 pm (UTC)From:I understand that he wants to help. What I don't understand is why he can't help me in a way that makes me feel safe. I've tried explaining what I want from him when it comes to me having trouble with things. Him giving me advice, and if I don't follow it or don't want to take it then he's failed, that's not safeguarding me. That pushes me to not tell him things. And the only, the only thing that got him to budge from that was me offering to make a deal.
I also understand that this has changed. I used to just take his advice. But I'm learning a lot of new things when it comes to relationships and I want to do things in my own way. I just... want him to listen. That helps. I've told him that... maybe it didn't sink in? I don't know. But we always land at the same point about how he wants to help and he apparently doesn't want to help in the ways that actually help me.